English Vowels (and consonants)

Among English speakers, it is fairly easy to identify the place of birth and social class of speakers by the vowels and consonants that they use, at least according to Professor Higgins.

This is particularly true in England, where the working classes are denied the use of upper class consonants, so the English working classes, when discussing the British climate, are required to say, 'In 'ertford, 'ereford and 'ampshire, 'urricanes 'ardly ever 'appens.'

In 1775, a British flag vessel was docked in Boston Harbour. Some people who called themselves freedom fighters, but whom the British called terrorists, disguised themselves as Red Indians, and crept aboard the vessel. Once aboard, they broke into the officers' quarters and stole a chest with all the upper-class consonants. They broke the chest open, and distributed the consonants to all the American colonists (who shared them with the Canadians).

As a result, every American (and Canadian), from the bourgeoisie down to the lumpen proletariat can say, 'In Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly ever happen.' (Not that they would say that after Katrina.)

But search as they might, the boarding party could not find any vowels. The could locate neither the chest with with round vowels used by the upper-class officers, nor the chest with the flat vowels used by the working-class enlisted men.

And so, to this day, Britishers (not to mention Aussies and New Zealanders) wince when they hear their children mimicking the vowels they hear on American TV programs and movies.